Random rants.

Got an ordinary email from someone so important. I'm kinda. Dumbfounded. I'm seriously blunt at my words when I'm feeling sensitive, to think back... I was stupid, I was dumb and I wna take back those words. Is it me, because I'm not trying hard enough to keep it up.. Whatever. I hate looking back now. Why does this ALWAYS have to happen.

It kills to turn around. These hurt are seriously unbearable and I don't want to look back.

Today was a nice day. I did morning shift thank god and caught a movie (Wanted is just so exaggerating!) and finallyyyyy, had a decent meal. I hadn't been eating well ever since I started working.. And it had resorted me to really unhealthy snacking and binge eating. But all that standing and talking and bending and whatever shit at work really burnt up my carbo. LOL. I don't find myself putting weight either. Balanced, like real. This is so damn unhealthyyy. Boo.

Okay.. I guess I'm running out of time seriously, my IJ only has ONE paragraph. Damn it. Afternoon shift later... homg. :( SAVEME.

My heart dropped when I thought I saw your face in the crowd, for a moment he looks just like you.
Someone so similar, but there's seriously no one like you...
What's the point.
It's over now and I'm over it.

Nights.
Thanks David :)

Buzzzzzzzz

GAHHHS. IT'S SO EARLY IN THE MORNING. Ok, not really. It's going to be noon soon. Huffs. I haven't been online in the morning for a long long time.. And this blog really could do some updates! YAWNS. Have been realllly burnt out lately. By work and school. I don't know how much longer... But, I'll do whatever it takes. :D

Now it's just relax time with myself.. hiding in the corners of TP library. Peaceful right now. And everyone's busy with their classes and what's not.

So I guess I'm starting on my IJ for Sales Mgt NOW. YEAH! Dateline's on Monday. Don't know what to write lar.
"What character traits makes an outstanding sales person?"
Stupid. :(

K ciao! Really got to work now.

SMILING, 'CAUSE FINALLY.. EVERYTHING'S OVER... :)

Thought buzzing.

This stupid thought striked me like a lightning during work today. Freaking random and it made me pretty upset... I hate it when it gets into me. I FAILED to brush it off, it bothered me too much..

Was doing the normal routines of serving the customers... And over the period of my working days, I did realise the customers who came into the store were couples, but.... it didn't bother me so... But then again, I don't know, this was just so out of the blue that suddenly I tried recalling shopping together with you. And it just HIT ME SO HARD, like a painful throbbing thump-thump at the back of my head. Damn it. And then... I instantly remembered choosing 2 long sleeves shirt for you at one of the boutique at Suntec City when you were going in to work for HMM. I remembered the colours of the shirts. One was confirmed blue and the other was brown? OK. That one I don't remember. But ultimately, you made me decide and you went for it. Sigh.. I liked shopping with you, and teasing you back 'cause you are always so picky yadah yadah... I missed watching a movie with you, everything is so damn different now. I didn't catch Kungu Panda with anyone because of you lar, you ass. :( Sighhhh.. It's ok.. I know you are damn lucky, and that you won't even bump into me please. :(( SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

Anyway.. Someone asked me this question before, "If the clock stopped one day, and you could be with him somewhere forever, where would it be?" haha, I told her.. "snuggled right next to him in the cinema or bed. forever :)" I don't mind sleeping forever. Hahahas, thought buzz. Irritating, more like thought bust! :(

purple.ewhite.bus80.artery.ps.224.circuitrd.payalebar.carlsjr.movies............... it's nv ending.

What now..?

2 days to 2 months, since the last I saw you.
And you really don't care anymore.
Damn it, I missed you again. Fuck.

OH SHUT UP.

[edit]I WILL. And I will not let an SMS ruin me. Neither will I get it into me ever again. I deserve much more. I can be so much better than this. I will have the willpower to let go. Sometimes I hate myself.[/edit]
230608. I'll forget twentyfour. Thanks so much.

@ ZOUK AND DOUBLE O :)

my su babyyyy and gracia :)

booblessandboobies!

DBL O's stage lightings.

PCBUNK girls and I :)

BYE.

Same mistakes.

It wasn't on purpose. It did have an intension.
But it didn't turn out how I figured it would be.
Half sober and sheer stupidity.
Sheer stupidity..

More party, more booze, more sticks!
The pain will disappear.

Why are you coming back to my thoughts at the most unlikely times?
Words words words, stale photographs, muted moving images.

There's a pain that sleeps inside,
it sleep with just one eye,
and awakens the moment that you leave.
Though I try to look away,
the pain it still remains,
only leaving when you're next to me.


Program.

I am through my handwriting!

Heh, I was also interested to take the test. And maybe also to try to figure what kind of person I am by a very interesting way. By my handwriting!
The resultssss..... *drumrolls!* (take time to read it, if you want. kinda ahem, long!)

Jolene uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional. She does have emotions but has no need to express them. She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Jolene does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise.

Jolene will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally.

Jolene is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Jolene doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Jolene will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Jolene believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

Jolene will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

Diplomacy is one of Jolene's best attributes. She has the ability to say what others want to hear. She can have tact with others. She has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Jolene can disagree without being disagreeable.

In reference to Jolene's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Jolene slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Jolene can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Jolene is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Jolene basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Jolene is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Jolene is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

End.

True, no? :) Up to you to perceive who I really am.

Busy bug.

Guess I got the hang of my life now. 'Cause everything's balanced out now.
WORK. SCHOOL. PLAY. SLEEP. AND EAT :)
Busy bug's gotten my blood, but I'm totally into it.
And finally, everything's alright now.

I'll get through it.


I miss this. Really do.

Pulau adventure!

HAHA. Back to civilisation! :D
Apologies for missing for days.. 'Cause I had become some refugee surviving on some island off Batam's coast. LOL.

For a moment, I was thinking to myself what have I gotten myself into. LOL. But then the trip was really an eye opener and uh yeah, cultural shocking. LOL. I went kampong style yo! My most memorable weekend and getaway. It brainwashed me literally. And it taught me to not take the things I have now for granted. Sometimes, we human beings just grumble and complain about the littlest shits in our lives. Once you're there, your mindset would totally change. You can stop complaining about being so fortunate back here in Sinapore. The things and the lifestyles of the people were so different. And yup, it's just once in a life time you get to experience the kampong life. Heh. Not used to it, but loved it :) So, I hope I can stop complaining about my stupid life, no? Heh.

Random things over at the pulau which I wna highlight.
1. The toilet there just looked like the normal squatting toilets back here. BUT, there's no flush! And.. it only had a hole! LOL. So you shit and pee and what's not into the hole whichhhhh all goes down into the sea! Yeap! INTO THE SEA. You can see the sea water while doing your business. So just think about it, whenever we dip into the sea, we are literally swimming and dipping into many human's pee, shit and litter. :o

2. Litter yes! There are no rubbish bins there. So whatever you need to throw, just throw it out into the open sea! LOL, no fines for littering! It was really shocking to see them throwing their junk out of their house at first. But I got used to ad I enjoyed it to the max. You litter everywhere you go. LOL.




Trying to net some fish out! Bleah!

3. We lived in this little house made of wood on stilts above the sea! It's really durable I must say. Though it tends to get too noisy and a little too annoying at night 'cause all you hear is the waves crashing on the stilts while you are trying to get your hmm, beauty sleep!



4. We got everywhere by boat! But we went to another island which was like their city area to do some grocery shopping, I reckon the people there doesn't like to walk nor cycle. They got around by scooters! Yeah and they are hell irritating 'cause you have to give way or they'll keep honking their horns. Anyway, they need to take the boat to another island to get to their ATM which is also a small little cottage on stilts and also to pay their handphone bills!











5. I tried simple fishing! My rod, supposingly made of just a small piece of styrofoam, maybe about a metre long of fishing strings and a hook! The bait was just flour and water and I managed to catch ONE damn tiny fish out of so many times. ZZZ. But it was fun to reel in the fishies! Though it's really brutal to see the fish get hooked. Mine got hooked at the eye :( Feeling sad for the fish, I threw it back into the sea!









6. I spent only SGD 10 there and got so much foooooood. Lol, chocolates, bubble gum, drinks, ice-cream yadah yadah yadah. And the best thing there was the ciggarettes which only cost SGD 1.40! WAHAHAHAHA! Cheap shit man!

7. The family we stayed with made like 4 meals a day? HA! YES I BECAME A GLUTTON THERE! :D And they cooked really well! I hadn't touch pork for like 3 days lar. FOOD'S THE BEST! :DDD

8. I got baked by the sun by lying semi-naked under it at the jetty! And I think it was their first time seeing semi-naked girls running around their village?! LOL. I got really strange stares and they tried talking to me, but I couldn't understand? Initially felt really alienated? But I got used to it. LOL.

9. I did the craziest thing there! Which was jumping off the jetty of about 1 storey high and into the litter-pee-shit sea! :DD WAS DAMN EXCITING LAR. My heart was like racing and felt the adrenaline running in my blood when I was above the sea. The moment I plunged in, it felt sooooo damn SHIOK ah! LOL. The only thing we feared was the strong currents. Never underestimate the currents seriously. It looked so calm but down below, I was swept away real fast! WOO!


Jetty by night time.

10. Lastly, I got a crush on a pulau boy! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOL. He's the all natural built pulau boy okay! :D Nice body and six pack from all that shit labour there. Heh. The guys there have nice lean body mannn. And the kids really looked soooo damn cute, handsome and pretty! Lol. Hmmmm... I hope pulau boy comes to Singapore :)


Pulau Boy, Ayid! : p

Ahmad, Maria, Su and I :)

Cam-bitching on the boat!

Baby Iskanda (Ahmad's cousin) and I! : DD

I swear he's SUPERRRRR UBERRRR CUTE! And he eats, sleeps and drools a lot! Hehe. Wouldn't it be nice to be a baby again? Get pampered, fed and everything? :p

Found this interesting! The fishes in attention! All in a straight line! Funny isn't it? Lol. And Su tried to disturb them by kicking an orange peel down which was stuck to the floor. Instead, her berks went in. LOL.

HAHA. Ayid fishing it out of the waters.


Heh. That's about it! :D

Sigh.

When things predicted that it will happen, would eventually happen anyway. Always had it coming, but just don't know when it comes right to you. When it all comes around, it slaps you in the face, stabs you in the heart, knocking you down on you knees. When they say they'll be there, did they mean it? Or was it just words for console? Turned out, they don't seem to be at sight at the times you needed them most. I just think, I deserve it. But I always thought there's still some injustice in between I simply can't forgo. So much things I hold against. Is this why you're so angsty?

I know it's coming my way, but why didn't I stop it? Is this fate, you're asking me?
If one day, you'd think I am able to change my fate..
"Fate would not be decided by man..."

But......

Over this period of time. I learnt.
And I've learnt how to let go..
Goodbye my almost lover, my grudge, my hatreds, my troubles..

It's time to look around, for things worth your time and appreciation.
Just maybe, be even more complacent with whatever you have now..



Bye guys,
Happy Holidays, Jolene! :)

One Republic; Say (All I Need)
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something, somewhere, better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong but nothing's, turned out how you want it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
'Cause you won't let go, of anything you hold
"Well, all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head"

Do you know what you're fate is?
And now you're trying to shake it?
You're doing youre best dance, your best look
You're praying that you'll make it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
'Couse you won't let go, of anything you hold
"Well, all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head
Say all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head"

Do you think I can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it, better than you had it?

Do you think I can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it (yeah), better than you had it? (better than you had it?)

"Say all I need, is the air I breathe, and a place, to rest my head
Say all I need, is the air I breathe, and a place, to rest my head"

Do you know where the end is?
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there, go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say...

shut up and move on.

I wished it to be back when I was a very happy 17 year old kiddo, where I used to have my best friend, my secondary school mates, my bandmates, my year one clique and the many friends I used to befriend when I joined BSC as a sub comm. I loved the attention so much that it really sucks to be all alone now. I seriously can't help but feel soooooooo ... , you know how I feel when suddenly, everything's out of place. No matter how heartbroken I am with someone or just feeling down or when I just needed company, there is always that one soul who will be there for me. Not anymore... Do it onto others and it will do it back to you. For all the stupid choices I made. I regret. And I'll live with it everyday.

This is really one of the most hurting lesson I have ever to bear.
And with that learnt, I'm going solo, and I'm going to stop relying.
So much for this, I'm losing my trust now.

I'll keep your thoughtful words here with me, something better awaits for me.. It's coming my way. So now.. I have got to start living with myself, and do the things that are right for me. I'm on my own, and I'm going my way.
Now, I need the bs and cs. Like fucking bad. Sigh.

First Love.

Now this song, does really makes sense..

Saigo no kisu wa ka ba
our last kiss
Tabako no flavor ga shita
tasted like tobacco
Nigakute setsunai kaori
a bitter and sad smell

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
tomorrow, at this time
Anata wa doko ni irun darou
where will you be?
Dare wo omotterun darou
who will you be thinking about?

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love love songu
it's still a sad song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
until I can sing a new song

Tachidomaru jikan ga
the paused time is
Ugoki dasouto shiteru
about to start moving
Wasuretakunai kotobakari
there's many things that I don't want to forget about

Ashita no imagoro niwa
tomorrow, at this time
Watashi wa kitto naite iru
I will probably be crying
Anatawo omotterun darou
I will probably be thinking about you

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
you will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love love songu
it's still a sad song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
until I can sing a new song

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love love song
still a sad song
Now and forever..

Turn around.

My emotions are starting to evolve into something so ugly in such a haste, I can't help but constantly reminded myself that I had to CURB my sane self before I kill anyone. I don't get it, but I've been getting hit by pangs and pangs of ANGER every single fucking day. It's a miracle I didn't blew my top at anyone, or did I? I think I did. But I have good reasons to why I do it. Don't I? SIGH. Whatever.. Ohhhhh God.. My Guan Yin Ma, I'm so sick and tired everyday. Maybe the prayers to simmer down worked. 'Ask and be given.' I do pray, to yes, keep myself sane. Hmmm. I'm not insane!

The lingering scent of the past had just wafted by.. I kept thinking over and over the things you said to me, the thing we did together and you just having you here with me. Well, it never fails to put a smile across my face, but I guess you never knew how much this meant to me and how could this actually shred me up into nothing, deep down here. You were never a lie, and I always believed you. Just... We weren't meant to be. Sigh, all this empty metaphors, they're all in vain. Wished wished wished, there was just someone, like you. I missed you. I missed your scent, hugs and kisses. IFMY... Enough of wandering back, high time to chuck it aside again.. It always happens, when you can't help but just look back...

Well, Tuesday will see me in school having my first paper. And Thursday, will see me in school, having my LAST paper :D Heh, can't wait. And soon it will be the last 2 weeks of holidays in my poly life! Projects, assignments and SIP :) HIRE ME! HIRE ME! :D Okay. Keeping all my fingers crossed. Hope to get a pt job soon, and then excel well for SIP. Hmmhmm.. Praying, I'm praying! I'll get through itttttt. :D

This few days, home seemed to be a nice place to be in. Food served at the dinner table, a comfy couch for you to slouch your ass off, watching the tele, or just reading my notes and novels. Like everything's there in place for you. And it is really a wrong time to indulge myself with novels, 'cause I won't have the heart to even study now! Oh well... There's no place like home. :)

Allowance's in. Thank goodness lar. I can stop eating grass now. Okay back to work! Time seems to be crawling. And I just forgot about my pippin' hot cuppa tea! Toodles. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, I might be shifting. Blog address lar. :D I need a journal I can lock my friggin' post up. Wordpress seems to be the in thing now, eh? Stay tuned! Love y'all.

P.S. Amelia Foo Shi Min, my darling jiejieeeeee. Thanks for the help recently :D Owe you one! And Huininggggg :D Thanks for hearing out my woes :D You're love!